An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret

November 3, 2010

Dearest Vicky:

Seeing as I am certainly your greatest customer, I would like to take a moment to discuss something with you: thighs. I, like most women, keep mine between my hips and my knees. I was under the impression they were meant to be just a bit meaty…you know…like something to grab on to, to propel me when I run, to help me lift heavy shopping bags and the like.

However, after spending an obscene amount of money on numerous pairs of your pants I now realize you are not familiar with thighs.

Please see Marilyn Monroe and Daisy Duke for examples. I assure you, Vicky, when AC/DC sang about American thighs, they weren’t picturing the stick legs of a 13-year-old.

My confusion continues regarding your ignorance of thighs because, as proven by the 5 pairs of your pants I tried on tonight, you are acutely aware of the FUVA (fat upper vagina area) which plagues some ladies. Your pants fit comfortably in the waist, yet allow excess room for what would have to be a very generously sized FUVA, then continue on into a teeny tiny expanse of material suitable for a femur, sure, but certainly not for a thigh. I ask you, Vicky, what woman do you know with a tiny waist, a massive FUVA, and a complete lack of thighs?

I can only then conclude that you simply forgot to install the thigh space in the 5 pairs of pants I purchased from you. I will return them so that you may add the thighs into the pants and then we can continue on with our relationship which, until today, has only been mutual love for one other.

With much love,
Your Friend With The Regular Thighs

PS: Thanks for the lift…no one’s even going to notice my thighs ; )

PSS: Sorry for saying “vagina.”