True Life: It Ain’t On Pinterest

July 31, 2012

I was using Pinterest recently, as I so often do, and I became concerned. I am concerned that Pinterest – despite my deep and all-consuming love for it – is really bad for us. It’s awesome in many ways, to be certain. But I worry that Pinterest is instilling a sense of dissatisfaction in us as we go about pinning dream houses we’ll never own and dream outfits that require us to wish for different bodies, crafts we aren’t capable of making, mom-ideas no real mom is capable of pulling off.

Saw this example today:

Pirate bananas. Adorable, yes. Likely to be pinned by not-yet-moms. You show me an actual mom who has the time to make pirate bananas and I’ll show you a woman with a stash of Ritalin in her medicine cabinet.

I’d like to have a deep discussion about all this pinning. Preferably in a post-grad Sociology class but because I don’t have the time to needlessly further my education and because such a discussion would likely bore my blog readers to tears I have a different solution. I’m going to make fun of Pinterest.

Now. Before you flip a lid, please understand, I am guilty of almost all of the things I’m about to make fun of. That’s why its okay for me to do it. So don’t get your panties in a bunch if you’re guilty too. I also watch Keeping up with the Kardasians like my life depends on it. There. Now were being honest and shameless about how ridiculous we are.

So here we go. My beef with Pinterest:

Let’s start with baby farm animals.

Why on earth are people pinning photos of baby farm animals? Is this the alternative for those of us who have not yet created a “baby” board? I’ve not come around to pinning cribs and articles about nipple cream so I’m left to pin very tiny piggies or sheep that appear to be grinning at me?

 

 

This is where I get confused. I love Pinterest for how useful it is. Pin something useful and it’s saved for later, when you need it.

When exactly do you plan to need those baby farm animals?

Let’s not even talk about how fecked up it is that your baby farm animals are on a board right next to your “What’s For Dinner” board.

 

And speaking of dinner…what’s with the “trashy and we like it” theme with recipes? It’s as if every recipe is named after the neighbor you wish you didn’t have…

 

White trash for the holidays, anyone?

 

I don’t even know what this is…

 

Can I please just pin a middle class vegetable dip? Maybe a highbrow hash brown casserole? Just for a bit of diversity.

And when you’re done eating the 800 poorly-named dips you pinned on Monday, you can burn the calories on Tuesday thanks to your “Fitspiration” board.

What the feck is that about?

Teeny tiny models with 6 pack abs and shredded arm muscles and articles with 55 ways to lose weight fast and nearly kill yourself. Feck that. I’m starting a “Baby Got Back” board. Follow me for a great piece of ass! (And you can actually follow me to view a great piece of ass whenever you like. Because I have a lot of trashy dips and no fitspiration on my Pinterest.)

I’m gonna pin the best asses in the business. Big, round, juicy doubles. To hell with Fitspiration. I’ve found Asspiration!

I also love outfit boards or the standard “My Style” boards. Your style.

Yeah.

Right.

Your style if you actually ever dropped that kind of cash on a cardigan or got out of bed early enough to twist your hair into a pretzel and apply 6 shades of eyeshadow. Can I get a “Shit I’m gonna buy Kohls next weekend” board?

I once saw somebody pin eyebrows. I’m not even going to say anything else about that.

I used to think it was ridiculous when people pinned pictures of funny animals (not to be confused with baby farm animals, which are still ridiculous). But then I pinned a picture of panda bears on playground equipment and its brought me immeasurable joy ever since, so I won’t knock that.

And that brings me to my final, and greatest, gripe about Pinterest.

Man boards.

No, not men participating in Pinterest. Actual Man boards. More commonly entitled things like “Yeah, baby” or “Eye candy” or “Loves Him” or “Hottie McHotties”.

 

 

Women have taken to pinning photos of men.

Why? Why I ask you?

When you pin a casserole, I know you’re coming back to it when you need an idea for your potluck at work.

When you pin a craft project, I know you’re coming back when its a rainy day and you have a board child at home.

When you pin an outfit, I know you’re coming back to see it before you go to the mall.

But, why, why are you pinning photos of hot men?

Please, don’t answer.

It’s the same reason you’re reading 50 Shades of Gray and I’m not comfortable talking about that either.

Ladies, this is disturbing. Not to mention a huge double standard because if some group of men (and its only a matter of time) launches Porn-terest you’re going to cry foul.

It’s especially disturbing when married or otherwise attached women are pinning hot men. This is really the height of pinterest glorifying our tendency to be unsatisfied with what we have.

Look – by all means – look. But look briefly, ladies! Show some discretion. Pin it? Save it to look at again later? We aren’t 14! This isn’t Tiger Beat! What the…

Then again…

I saw this on Pinterest just today…

And I’m thinking maybe its not such a bad idea, these man boards.

Maybe I’ll start a board called “Potential Extramarital Affairs” and I’ll pin dudes I’d be interested in nailing if Zac ever really pisses me off (or if he fails his Channing Tatum dance classes, which I made him start taking when pop culture convinced me I’d like to be married to a stripper).

And to make it really interesting, you know, stir the pot a bit, I think I’ll pin photos of other people’s husbands.

Wouldn’t that just cause a fuss?

“Did you see Maggie pinned her bff’s husband on her ‘Affairs’ board?”

“Yes! Did you see he’s been repinned 62 times!”

Oh man, there are some girls I know who just rub me the wrong way, ya know what I mean? I’d love to pin their husbands! Especially with a captain that read something like “eh…maybe” or “was hotter in high school”.

Or those girls who are un-justifiably jealous when it comes to their husbands or boyfriends? You know what I’m talking about! Women who think their man is the hottest thing on the block and are convinced every female in the room is preparing to launch an attack and drag him into the nearest bathroom stall.

<whispers> I’m gonna pin those girls’ husbands.

Boom I pinned yo boyfriend. I pinned yo man.

About that caption thing…I think there’s real potential there. When you know the man your pinning you can let go of the generic captions like “holy hotness” or “nom nom” and get more specific.

I could use a system similar to those bookie tip sheets you get at horse races…

“Fast out of the gate, doesn’t pace himself well”

“Strong start, weak finish”

“Come from behind favorite’

“Dark Horse”

“Good showing last weekend”

This blog just took a turn for the worst when I typed “Come from behind favorite.”

I have to go now.

I need to go look at the picture of Ryan Lochte I pinned.